


we'll keep this love in a photograph

by lostandforgottenstar



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Betrayal, Confusion, Fiction, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, I don't know what else to say, M/M, i'm winging it so maybe these tags aren't even an accurate representation of what is yet to come, stay tuned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28012638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostandforgottenstar/pseuds/lostandforgottenstar
Summary: Alex was new to the whole scene. He was lost and he felt like he was out of his element for the most part.What he did not know was that some short brunette man with frosted tips would help him figure things out; and that short man would end up becoming someone he treasured more than he ever would have expected.
Relationships: Alexander Albon & Pierre Gasly, Alexander Albon/Pierre Gasly
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	1. the start of something new

**Author's Note:**

> hello! just a heads up: i haven't written anything in almost three years, and i'm still trying to figure out what my style is. so for the most part, the first few chapters are a bit all over the place, but i really am trying. i wrote this mostly for myself, just to get this idea out of my head, but thought 'hey, why don't you just put it up and maybe just maybe someone would find some entertainment from it'. so here i am. 
> 
> important note: this is fiction. THIS IS FICTION, and nothing more. thanks.

It was the most bizarre feeling in the world. 

It was something he couldn’t shake off and it annoyed him to no end. It wasn’t like he had his entire life under control. On the contrary, he struggled with everything, starting from tying his shoelaces to articulating his emotions when confronted by someone. But this… this feeling overshadowed all of that. It overpowered all the uncertainties and flaws he had. It was much bigger than all that, and it was weighing him down. It was like looking for an answer to a question that didn’t exist, and it drove him crazy.

The first time he noticed that feeling was when he was introduced to the whole team. It was an entirely new environment and he was surrounded by professionals who were doing this for a couple of years now, maybe even decades, while he was a complete rookie. He gawked at everything that was said and marveled over the smallest of things like how the machinery was organized based on alphabetical order or how large their storage space was. It was a lot to take in, and Alex wasn’t complaining one bit. That was the fun part of his first day as a professional racing driver.

The unnerving part came next when he was meeting up with the members of the Red Bull family. It was something he should have been grateful for because ultimately, it was a full circle moment for him. When he first got into karting, Red Bull approached him and decided to sponsor him when he was seven years old. They helped him develop over time, and were the reason why he had enough financial backing to enter the larger European tournaments, starting from karting to single seaters. Even though they dropped him when he was seventeen after a year of bad results, it was awfully ironic how they were the reason why he achieved his lifelong dream of being a professional driver. 

He tried to ignore the tingling feeling in his chest that was resurfacing; the feeling that history might repeat itself. The feeling that a wrong move could get him dropped from the family again. Before his thoughts could swallow him whole, the elevator ding brought him back to reality and he looked up to see a pair of eyes watching him. Alex’s entire body stiffened. Dany, his teammate for the year, chuckled and patted him on his shoulder before returning to his side of the elevator, leaning on the rails, “Don’t worry too much. It’s going to be fun. There are so many people involved in this party that you can always sneak away and chill at the snackbar and no one’s going to notice.”

“Yeah,” Alex huffed out, a small smile appearing on his face, “I don’t think it’s that easy. I’m the newcomer here.” 

“So? You’re not as handsome or as charming as me, and I can hardly get two minutes of limelight. You’ll be fine,” Dany retorted before walking out the door with a massive grin. Alex knew this was going to be a fun year. He might as well attempt to enjoy his day and get all the formalities out of the way.

* * *

The splash of cold water on his face brought him back to reality. He looked at himself in the mirror and noticed what a disheveled mess he was. His hair was sticking out in seven different directions, his cheeks were red and his lips were chapped. He placed his hands on the edges of the sink and looked down, trying to compose himself and take a few minutes to reflect on what just happened. Before he could mutter a prayer of some sort to whoever was listening, he heard the bathroom door open and nearly grumbled out loud. _Wonderful. Exactly what I needed_. 

He heard the footsteps approach him and stop right next to him, but Alex didn’t dare open his eyes to look at who it might be. He knew that he needed to be back out there soon before people started worrying, even though Dany assured him that he could go back home and his absence wouldn’t be noticed. He couldn’t leave though. What would that say about him? It would just paint the image that he couldn’t handle accountability. 

_Maybe this wasn’t a good idea to begin with._

_~~Maybe~~ he wasn’t built for this life. _

_~~Maybe~~ this was a mistake. _

“You okay?” Alex gulped, unsure why someone would try to converse with him when he was in the middle of a mental breakdown. He hoped that they would take the hint and leave after his minute of radio silence, but he never heard the footsteps walk away. Fuck. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. He heard a laugh echo in the empty bathroom right before the person approached him with another two steps, “Your hair is a mess.”

“I know,” Alex replied, before looking up to see a brunette staring back at him with curious eyes and a small smile hanging on his lips. He had a glint to his blue eyes and his frosty blonde tips complemented his features well. Alex knew exactly who that person was, which added to his despair. _Way to go, you idiot. Embarrass yourself even more in front of your future competitor._ “It’s just a lot to take in.”

Pierre nodded his head, leaning against the sink and studying him with intense scrutiny. Alex unconsciously fidgeted under his glance, and it seemed like Pierre noticed because his eyes shot up to meet Alex’s with a soft, understanding look. He was trying to tell him something, but Alex couldn’t quite understand the message. It was undecipherable. “My first day here was not too long ago. I’ve been part of the family for a long time now, but when you come in here as one of their own, it just feels different. Seeing and meeting all the mechanics, engineers, analysts, strategists - just _everyone_ \- makes it different. It makes it… real,” Pierre laughed it off, as if that was an absurd statement to make. He kicked at the floor for a few seconds before meeting Alex’s eyes again, and there was so much emotion in them that it felt overwhelming; but Alex didn’t look away. He held his gaze for as long as he possibly could. Maybe this was his desperate attempt at trying to make a friend in such a large industry. Maybe this is just Alex being Alex, simply wanting to open everyone up and pick away at their fears and pain. Maybe he wanted to feel understood, and that was why he hung on every word Pierre said and tried to devour it like his life depended on it. He didn’t know what was going on inside his mind. Maybe it was just a long day and he felt tired. Pierre was the first to break eye contact, turning around and staring at the mirror again as he ruffled his hair. “What I was trying to say is that I know how overwhelming this might feel. I was here before… not too long ago.”

“I doubt your day went as badly as mine,” Alex responded before grabbing a towel and wiping his face. “After all, you’re the mighty Pierre Gasly. Even if you managed to drop an ice sculpture on the team principal’s foot, you would’ve done it elegantly. Me on the other hand…” 

“How would you know that I didn’t make a fool out of myself, huh?” It was friendly banter, and it was bizarre. Alex never would have thought that his first proper conversation of the night that did not lead to absolute chaos or embarrassment would occur in the bathroom with another fellow junior member. He didn’t notice it at first, but his chest didn’t feel as tight anymore and his fists were no longer clenched. _What a bizarre feeling._

Alex threw his towel in the bin and leaned on the wall with his hands behind his back, fidgeting in his spot while looking at his new friend, “I just do.”

The bathroom door slammed open and a group of men entered, laughing and bickering their way to the stalls. They nodded at both of them in acknowledgement before proceeding to talk about a funny story they heard. Pierre stiffened upon their entry and turned the water tap on, immediately occupying himself with something. Before Alex knew it, the moment ended as soon as it began. For some reason, he was disappointed and angry with their arrival. He didn’t understand why. His emotions were just all over the place tonight. Alex pushed himself against the wall and began walking towards the door before he heard someone speak, “Welcome to Milton Keynes,” Pierre said, throwing him a half smile while looking at him through the mirror.

Alex hesitated by the door and laughed awkwardly underneath his breath, “I actually live here, just five minutes away from the factory. This place is home to me.” 

“Ah,” Pierre nodded, turning the tap off and glancing back at him, “I expect you to show me around then.”

* * *

Alex turned the ignition off and wiped his face, his fingers tapping incessantly on the steering wheel. _10:50 am_. He was ten minutes early. 

He looked around his car to ensure that everything was neat and tidy. He wiped at the passenger’s seat, hoping to clean away some residual dust. He messed around with the heater and radio settings. He wanted this to be perfect, and he didn’t know why. Maybe he just wanted to impress everyone. _Maybe you should stop overthinking every single little thing_ , he thought. 

_10:52 am._ It was a typical rainy day in the UK, but the weather was quite cool for March. Alex contemplated getting gloves but thought against it, not knowing whether he could withstand getting mocked for having cold hands. He looked at his phone and sighed before quickly sending a text. _I’m outside_.

His mind was cloudy today, more than it has been lately. The first race of the season went alright, even though finishing 14th isn’t such a remarkable feat. Results aside, it was a pretty fun experience. It was exhilarating racing in faster machinery because the adrenaline rush that came along with it was difficult to describe. It was borderline suicidal, because one wrong move could lead to severe injuries or the worst case scenario: your death, but that is what enticed everyone. It is a death sentence, but it is also an incredible journey.

Alex’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard a knock at his window and found Pierre standing outside, waving at him to hurriedly unlock the doors. Alex watched him for a few more seconds as Pierre fiddled with his backpack and shot daggers at his eyes before he unlocked the doors.

He was met with an extremely furious French man, “Fuck, you’re taking your precious time, huh? I’m freezing my balls out here and you’re just watching?” Pierre asked, slamming the door shut. 

“Just admiring your beauty first.”

“You could’ve done that when I was inside a heated car,” Pierre grumbled, throwing his backpack behind him and adjusting himself in his seat. Alex grinned at him, enjoying his frustration a bit too much. Their relationship was odd in the sense that he wouldn’t exactly classify them as friends, but they also were more than mere colleagues. It was something about that first meeting that changed everything for them. Alex and Dany were good friends, but not enough that they would meet outside of work like he’s doing with Pierre today. But then again, Alex doesn’t spend most of his time with Pierre, unlike Dany who he’s around for the majority of the week as he tries to learn the grips from him. “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today,” Pierre moaned, leaning on the headrest and sighing. That brought Alex back and he laughed before starting the ignition and driving away from Pierre’s house. 

“Who taught you that saying?” Alex teased, making sure to look at him just as he rolled his eyes.

“Shut up,” Pierre said, “I’m serious. I tried to relax, or unwind like Christian says, but I can’t. I can’t forget how much of a disappointment I was last week.”

“You were not a disappointment,” Alex interjected, not interested in hearing Pierre belittle himself after a tough race weekend.

“I was. I didn’t finish in the points, and Max was on an entirely different level to me. I was so naive to think that they would pat my back and let me know that it was a good effort. I don’t know why I was expecting them to have a bit more understanding. It was my first proper race in a new car with a new team. Not everyone can hit the ground running,” Pierre was deflated, and it was clear to any and everyone who was around him after the debriefs. Alex didn’t know the extent to how much it was bothering him, though. Not until now. “I don’t know. Maybe this is what it is like working in a top team. When they have proof that the car is capable of going fast - fast enough to earn third place - then maybe all the criticism is worth it. I don’t know why I was expecting them to cut me some slack. It’s a cruel world after all.”

Alex didn’t know what to say, so they drove in silence while he let the words simmer in the air. He wanted to comfort him and let him know everything would be alright, but who was he in this situation? He was an inexperienced rookie who landed a worse result than him but was congratulated by his team for his first official Formula One race. He didn’t know what the right words were, so he opted to stay quiet and find other ways to relieve Pierre’s anger and frustration over something that happened a while ago. If anything, Alex knew that dwindling on the past brought more harm than good. 

Their plan for the day was to visit a park that was very close to Alex’s house. It was a quiet, secluded area and it was a good place to introduce Pierre to. After all, he’s been in Milton Keynes for just a month and hasn’t had much of an opportunity to discover the city, especially these unknown spots that only locals were aware of. Alex packed a few sandwiches and drinks, as well as some snacks his sister made in case they got hungry. He also brought a pair of trainers, in case Pierre decided to go for a jog. All in all, Alex was prepared for every situation, which was such an Alex thing to do.

He pulled into the parking lot and slotted his car in his usual spot, turning the ignition off. He turned backwards to get his stuff and threw Pierre’s bag at him, nodding his head in the direction of the park before stepping out. 

The cool air hit his face like a ton of bricks and he instinctively pulled the sleeves of his jacket further down, trying to keep his fingers warm. He looked at Pierre for confirmation before they started walking along the familiar path. This place brought back a ton of memories for Alex, both the good and bad. It was essentially where all his memories were made, and it warmed his heart. He was so in his head that he hadn’t noticed how much they walked, or how they nearly covered the entire walking track in silence. Pierre didn’t seem to mind though. He was in his own headspace, and maybe he needed something like this. Maybe he needed some fresh air to help him regroup again. 

“You hungry?” Alex asked, looking down at the shorter man. The wind picked up its pace since they arrived, and Pierre’s hair was flailing all over the place. It was a marvelous sight. Pierre looked up suddenly, as if he had forgotten where he was for a second. He nodded his head and readjusted his backpack strap, “I’ve got some sandwiches. Turkey, ham and cheese. We can sit by the lake, if you want. We might find some ducks to feed.” 

Pierre scrunched his nose before stopping in his tracks, waiting for Alex to lead the way. Once they arrived at the lake and sat on the edge, Alex unzipped his bag and pulled out whatever was in it before handing Pierre a sandwich. Pierre thanked him before quietly muttering, “You came prepared.”

“As always. Orange or apple juice?” Alex responded with a cheeky grin plastered on his face. If he could get a compliment, he was going to soak it all in.

“Apple,” Pierre said, shaking his head at Alex’s antics. He unwrapped his sandwich and stared ahead, deep in his thoughts. It wasn’t until he was nearly done that he spoke up, “I like it here.”

“Me too. I used to come here all the time. Now… not so much. It’s a great place to come and clear your head. I made so many memories here that it sometimes feels overwhelming coming back because it all hits you at once, but for some reason I can’t stay away.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Pierre was intrigued, and for the first time today it looked like his mood lightened up. Alex’s plan was working after all. He was distracted.

“Way too many. I’ve got a mix of good and bad ones.”

“Go ahead then, share one.” Pierre replied, earning himself a laugh from Alex. He should’ve known that curiosity would eat this guy alive. He shot Pierre a questioning look and waited, hoping he understood his question, “I’d like to hear both a bad and a good memory.” 

“You’re one demanding guy, you know,” Alex shook his head at his _friend_ , then looked up at the sky before he began, “I’ll start with a good memory. When I was six, my dad bought me a bicycle. The catch is that it had no training wheels, and I was confused. I kept thinking to myself, why would he buy me a bike with no training wheels just as he was about to travel for a few months. It was absurd because now I had a new bike, but there was no one around to teach me to ride it. So I did what I do best, and I dragged that bike all the way to this park after school. It was a tough first day. I fell off so many times and scrapped both knees too. My mum wasn’t happy with me for being so impatient and hurting myself in the process, but I was so excited. I came back the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that day, and I kept trying. On day two, I learned that trying to cycle on grass was extremely hard, but it didn’t hurt as much when I fell over, so that was my learning ground. Once I knew how to balance myself, I moved onto concrete. After just four days of trying, I somehow conned my way into riding a bicycle. It was my proudest achievement at the time. No help from anyone but I somehow found my way around it.”

“Such an Alex thing to do.” There was something about the way Pierre was looking at him that made him feel uneasy. His stomach kept doing somersaults, and maybe it was because he didn’t expect such a boring story to evoke an emotion in someone the way it did to Pierre. He was looking at him earnestly, with a tingle of pride attached to it. He was staring deep into his eyes, and it felt intrusive and invasive in a way, but Alex couldn’t look away. It seemed like a common theme now. Alex let out a laugh and broke eye contact, feeling the intensity of his gaze burn into his soul. He looked down at his lap for a few moments, readjusting his watch on his wrist before he heard Pierre speak again, “Always persisting with something you set your mind to. What about the bad one?”. 

Alex remained still, racking his brain for something that wouldn’t dampen the mood so much. “Hm… Maybe my first breakup? I don’t know. It wasn’t a good day. It wasn’t with a girl either. Losing your friends hurts differently, especially when you’re young. We came here to play football, about 7 of us, and they basically let me know that they didn’t want to be seen around me anymore. They said I acted weird and differently to everyone else, as well as other stuff about how I spent so much time around my family and karting. Other things about me never making time for them, even though I abandoned all my school work to come play football with them that day. It sounds dumb now that I think of it, but a lot of what they said never left my head, especially the comments about me acting weird and making everything weird and awkward, even though I never did any of it intentionally. It made me insecure and more conscious of my actions, and I became more reserved. I’m more in check with my emotions nowadays, and I try not to display too much or act too flamboyant just in case I weird someone out… I don’t know. It’s a nagging thought that is always in the back of my mind.” 

It felt weird to say it out loud. It felt weird to voice out one of his biggest fears and concerns about himself. It was weird that he didn’t feel anything after saying all that. It was the opposite; he felt at ease. He didn’t dare look in Pierre’s direction, mainly because he was afraid that his reaction would confirm what his friends told him that day. He was a people pleaser, after all. He was scared shitless that unraveling that thought would change Pierre’s perception of him and cause him to realize how peculiar he was. Alex was so far in his head that his fingers warming up is what brought him back to reality. He looked down to his lap to find Pierre grabbing his hand, squeezing it the minute he noticed Alex’s gaze. Alex gulped in fear and did the last thing he wanted to do; he turned to look at him. 

Pierre still had that pensive look on his face, as if he was trying to figure out the anomaly that was Alex Albon. He scanned his features and looked for any sign of hesitation or discomfort, but there was none. He didn’t even think before his hand instinctively reached for Alex’s cold one, which was placed on his lap. He did the only thing he believed would reassure him. This was Pierre’s way of letting him know that he didn’t see Alex in that light, and he didn’t understand why anyone would. His heart sank at the image of a young Thai boy standing in the middle of the park with a broken heart as he watched his friends walk away from him. 

Pierre pulled Alex’s hand in between them, and held it for what felt like an eternity. He knew words wouldn’t do his thoughts justice, so he went for a simple action instead. It felt natural, and it felt right. He did it without thinking of the implications or of what Alex’s reaction might be. He did it because it was the first thing that came to his mind. They were both too busy thinking about other things that they failed to recognize when their fingers intertwined. 


	2. confusion is the state you'll find me in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again. two chapters in quick succession, woohoo! this chapter actually signals the end to my writing struggles. i think this was when i found my writing style and rhythm again. so it only goes upward from here!
> 
> just in case people aren't familiar with the 2019 calendar: australia & bahrain (march), china and azerbaijan (april), spain and monaco (may), canada, france and austria (june), great britian and germany (july), hungary (august), belgium, italy, singapore and russia (september), japan and mexico (october), united states, brazil and abu dhabi (november). 
> 
> note: this is fiction. this is in no way, shape or form a depiction of their relationship in real life.

**[Pierre - 2:20 am]:** Are you awake? 

**[Alex - 2:20 am]:** I’m awake. 

**[Alex - 2:20 am]:** Why the hell are you awake?

**[Pierre - 2:21 am]:** I can’t sleep.

**[Alex - 2:21 am]:** What’s on your mind?

**[Pierre - 2:22 am]:** What isn’t on my mind?

 **[Pierre - 2:24 am]:** I just have a really bad feeling in my gut. I’m nervous. I feel like I’m going to explode. I want to say something about it, but I can’t. And it might be a problem. 

**[Alex - 2:25 am]:** Why didn’t you say anything before?

 **[Alex - 2:25 am]:** Is this about racing? Marko or Christian? 

**[Alex - 2:25 am]:** I’m taller than both of them. Give me a name and I will step on them.

**[Pierre - 2:26 am]:** Like that lizard you stepped on?

**[Alex - 2:26 am]:** Exactly. 

**[Alex - 2:28 am]:** So?

**[Pierre - 2:29 am]:** I’m going to sleep.

**[Alex - 2:29 am]:** PIERRE

 **[Alex - 2:29 am]:** COME BACK HERE DON’T YOU DARE

 **[Alex - 2:35 am]:** I despise you. Maybe I should step on you instead.

**[Pierre - 2:36 am]:** It’s nothing, I promise. 

**[Pierre - 2:36 am]:** I’m doing an Alex right now.

**[Alex - 2:36 am]:** What? Looking sexy?

 **[Alex - 2:36 am]:** Must be hard to be as devilishly handsome as me.

**[Pierre - 2:36 am]:** It’s so hard. How do you do it?

**[Alex - 2:37 am]:** Natural gift. 

**[Alex - 2:37 am]:** Honestly though, penny for your thoughts? 

**[Pierre - 2:37 am]:** My thoughts are that cheap to you?

**[Alex - 2:37 am]:** Pierre.

**[Pierre - 2:38 am]:** Yes?

**[Alex - 2:38 am]:** I’m serious.

**[Pierre - 2:38 am]:** I’m Pierre. 

**[Alex - 2:38 am]:** Nice to meet you, Pierre.

**[Pierre - 3:10 am]:** You go first. I owe you a penny.

**[Alex - 3:13 am]:** My sister graduated from school the other day. 

**[Alex - 3:13 am]:** It’s not that big of a deal, but it’s a BIG deal. As old as this makes me sound, I feel like we’re all growing up. It’s kinda scary ngl. Everyone’s getting older. 

**[Alex - 3:13 am]:** Sooner or later I’ll have to start looking out for my retirement fund.

**[Pierre - 3:14 am]:** You’re 24.

**[Alex - 3:14 am]:** Never too early to start preparing for life after all the glory, if there is any.

**[Pierre - 3:14 am]:** There will be.

 **[Pierre - 3:14 am]:** I’m sure of it.

 **[Pierre - 3:15 am]:** My feelings are getting in the way of my thoughts. That’s why I’m still awake, even though our flight is in 12 hours.

**[Alex - 3:15 am]:** 16 hours*

 **[Alex - 3:15 am]:** and OOOOOOOOOOOOOH

 **[Alex - 3:15 am]:** Who’s the special lady?

**[Pierre - 3:16 am]:** It’s way too late for this.

**[Alex - 3:16 am]:** Well she’s clearly keeping you up.

 **[Alex - 3:16 am]:** And you’re keeping ME up.

 **[Alex - 3:16 am]:** So you might as well spare the details.

**[Pierre - 3:16 am]:** Goodnight.

**[Alex - 3:16 am]:** Damn

 **[Alex - 3:16 am]:** Do I not get a name?

 **[Alex - 3:16 am]:** Is she cute? French? 

**[Alex - 3:16 am]:** Is she into F1? 

**[Alex - 3:18 am]:** PIERRRRRRREEEEEEEEE

**[Pierre - 3:19 am]:** What

**[Alex - 3:19 am]:** I promise I won’t bring this up on the flight if you just get everything off your mind now.

 **[Alex - 3:20 am]:** I won’t ask any questions either.

 **[Alex - 3:20 am]:** Just tell me what’s up.

**[Pierre - 3:21 am]:** This sounds stupid as fuck

 **[Pierre - 3:22 am]:** We haven’t known each other for long but I have so many things I want to say to them but I’m afraid.

 **[Pierre - 3:22 am]:** I’m afraid they won’t understand me or I might scare them away when I tell them things. 

**[Pierre - 3:23 am]:** I thought it was happening because I was confused or bored but it’s been weeks and now I’m more annoyed that I don’t understand it and I just stay awake and think about it all the time.

 **[Pierre - 3:24 am]:** This is stupid.

**[Alex - 3:25 am]:** First of all, not stupid at all.

 **[Alex - 3:25 am]:** Second of all, maybe you should say something and give it a shot.

 **[Alex - 3:25 am]:** What do you have to lose? 

**[Alex - 3:25 am]:** If you get a positive response, then well done. It’s worked out. If you don’t, then you can slowly move on from it. I know it’s hard when you’re attached to them, even if you don’t know them so well, but you will eventually get over it

 **[Alex - 3:26 am]:** Having an answer helps start that process. It’s better than dwelling on the what if’s.

**[Pierre - 3:27 am]:** You’re right.

 **[Pierre - 3:27 am]:** See you later.

**[Alex - 3:27 am]:** See you on the flight to Canada.

 **[Alex - 3:28 am]:** LAND OF THE MOOSE

* * *

They rarely flew commercial, especially when the races were held in Europe. But Canada was nowhere near Europe, so here he was.

The first few races were all over the world. They’ve been to Australia, Bahrain, China, Azerbaijan, Spain and Monaco so far. Maybe the short stint of being around Europe disoriented Pierre this much, as he was seated on the airport floor with his phone dangling between his fingers, incredibly close to touching the concrete floor. 

He loved watching people. He was fascinated by how the world could carry on even when he couldn’t. He was enamored by the idea of what his world would look like to someone who knew nothing about him, but found him on the floor with no sense of purpose.

Quite frankly, Pierre was exhausted and angry at himself for that. He knew how much he needed the sleep before jet lag would hamper everything, but instead he decided to reflect on everything that happened so far and let it get the best of him at one in the morning. On second thought, he was regretful of what he did. Why did he send that text to begin with? What was he trying to gain? They weren’t friends, at least not like that. He couldn’t grasp what their relationship was like. They weren’t teammates, they rarely ran into each other during the race weekends, they didn’t have a mutual group of friends, they had nothing. The only thing they both had in common was that they were Red Bull juniors, who both lived in Milton Keynes. 

Alex was shy, Pierre was outgoing. Alex was tall, Pierre was short. Alex was delicate, Pierre was rough. Alex used his words carefully, Pierre sounded out everything he felt and thought. Alex was a man of few words. He loved animals and approached every stray he found, constantly whipping something out of his backpack for them to devour on. He was fascinated by architecture and design as a whole, and made sure to visit a museum in every city he visited. He double-knotted his shoelaces. He hated tucking his shirt. 

They were nothing alike, so why were they _friends_? Were they both desperate to have someone around so they picked each other out? Pierre didn’t understand their dynamic, but he appreciated it. It was so easy to be around each other, and oftentimes they didn’t have to say a word to one another. It was some sort of silent agreement they had in place. 

“Hey there,” Pierre looked up and was met by Alex’s large grin, “You look amazing today, French prince charming.”

“You don’t look any better,” Pierre groaned, covering his face with his hands. _Was he embarrassed?_ “How are you so awake?”

“If you didn’t notice, it’s 7pm right now. The real question is how are you feeling so tired right now? Do you normally sleep by 6?” Alex teased, swatting his hand on Pierre’s knee, “I know you’re old, but I didn’t think you were _that_ old. I don’t mind tucking you in when we board.”

Alex lowered himself and sat on the floor, pulling his backpack in front of his stomach and using it as a cushion for his head. The pair sat silently, as they always did. Pierre was fighting off sleep, with his head sporadically dropping as he lost consciousness every now and then, while Alex just watched him with interest. He studied the soft curvature of his nose, his little ears, the barely noticeable bags under his eyes and his scrawny yet tidy facial hair.

Pierre’s head dropped again but this time he completely lost his balance and nearly ended up hitting the floor. Alex smiled to himself when the Frenchman groaned, clearly frustrated that he couldn’t get on the plane and sleep somewhere. 

Alex was fidgeting in his spot, trying to find the words to let him know that he could lean on him, in more ways than one. Right now, as sleep invaded his body, and during days like last night, when he had so much circling his mind that it kept him up during the after hours. But he didn’t say a word, and decided to continue watching him struggle. Alex was so mesmerized by his face that he stiffened when he heard Pierre speak, even though his eyes were closed and he definitely couldn’t see Alex analyzing his features the same way he analyzed data after a session, “It’s not funny.”

“I’m not laughing,” Alex said, his voice muffled as a result of his mouth being too close to his bag, “Your head is doing a madness right now, probably envisioning the g-forces we’ll experience this weekend.”

“I’m preparing myself ahead of time. I’m such a professional.”

“No doubt in my mind,” Alex was puzzled by why he felt the need to compliment him even more. Why did he want to make him feel better about himself all the time? 

_It’s called empathy, you idiot._

Alex sighed, pulling his phone out of his pocket and browsing social media to waste time. After a few minutes, he noticed that Pierre readjusted himself in his spot and gently placed his head on Alex’s shoulder, huffing out some air from his nose and unsettling Alex. He wasn’t expecting this. He wasn’t expecting any of it, from him being here to them being on talking terms. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t this. 

Alex bit his lip and looked away from his phone, opting to stare at the ceiling instead. He cared about him for some reason. He cared about him in a way that made him uncomfortable and confused. He didn’t understand it, and that felt like a recurring theme.

Alex leaned his head against Pierre’s, feeling his soft puff of hair on his cheeks. His hair wasn’t completely dry so he must’ve taken a shower not too long before arriving here. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine them being anywhere but in an airport full of people. He tried to place this intimate moment in a more personal setting so he could store it in his mind and revisit it later on. 

His chest contracted, and he did the one thing he told himself he would never do again. He grabbed Pierre’s hand and gave it a soft squeeze. His heart was racing at 300 km/h, nearly as fast as the cars they drove every week. He waited for a response of disgust, but it never came. 

_He must be out stone cold._

It gave Alex a bit more confidence as he rotated Pierre’s hand and held it against his, studying how it was slightly smaller and softer than Alex’s larger and rougher hands. He used his thumb to slowly stroke his fingers and fiddled with the ring on his index finger. 

“It’s my favorite one,” He was caught by surprise when he heard Pierre’s hoarse voice, and he nearly dropped his hand and parted ways with him in embarrassment. He was caught. How long had he been awake? Alex’s demeanor completely changed and his body stiffened in response. _I’m a fucking idiot._ Pierre didn’t seem to mind though; he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the feeling of his delicate fingers stroking his. An announcement sounded the entire airport, and Pierre was relieved that it was their flight and he could finally sleep somewhere with a pillow and blanket. The cold airport floor was flattening his ass and slowly making it numb in the process. He glanced up to notice that Alex was rooted in his spot, looking straight on and barely breathing. So Pierre returned the gesture, and squeezed his hand, “Let’s go.”

* * *

Pierre was officially in his happy place. He was on a comfortable seat with a soft blanket tucked under his chin and a glass of wine in his hand. He was amazed by how the sleep suddenly wore off the second he boarded the plane. Maybe it was the excitement coupled with the nerves of going to the track and having the world of expectations fall on your shoulders again. 

He wasn’t having the best of seasons, but he also wasn’t having the worst. 11th, 8th, 6th, DNF, 6th and 5th. He was earning points, but he wasn’t earning enough points for their liking. They wanted him to compete with his teammate, but he felt like they weren’t on a level playing field. The machinery was difficult to manage, and his requests were often ignored. He didn’t know how to fix the issues that were unfolding in front of his eyes, so he huffed and puffed as he got slated by everyone for being an incompetent driver who couldn’t handle the pressure of being in a big team. 

He hated it. 

Pierre’s phone buzzed.

 **[Alex - 9:15 pm]:** It’s so fucking cold. 

**[Pierre - 9:15 pm]:** Don’t you have a blanket?

 **[Alex - 9:16 pm]:** It’s an awful blanket.

Pierre smiled, reflecting on what happened a few hours ago at the airport. He technically wasn’t asleep but he was convinced his mind was playing tricks on him when he felt Alex lean his head against his. His warmth and scent engulfed him, and his heart nearly fell out of his chest. He heard the taller man sigh and relax into him, and it was a heartwarming moment. What he didn’t expect was for the Thai to grab his hand and draw circles on his palms or trace the outline of each finger. He suspected that Alex thought he was in deep sleep; he was anything but that. His mind was racing and all he could think about was that day at the park three months ago. He couldn’t _stop_ thinking about that moment. For a week after that happened, he constantly reevaluated the moment and wondered whether it was the right thing to do. He wondered whether he should’ve said something instead. He wondered whether he should’ve done something more. 

He wondered whether he should’ve made a bolder move. 

Pierre tapped the screen on his phone and quickly sent a message back before he could regret it.

 **[Pierre - 9:20 pm]:** Meet me at the bar?

 **[Alex - 9:21 pm]:** Sure.

Pierre stood up, draping his blanket on his seat as he maneuvered his way to the bathroom. He stayed in there for a good minute; readjusting his hair, washing his face and spraying some cologne before going to the bar. He found Alex seated on the couch with his legs crossed and his head placed in the crook of his arm, staring outside the window into the unknown. He made his way towards Alex, and watched the younger man notice his presence and sit up with tired eyes. 

He changed into his pajamas. He was now wearing a long sleeved teal shirt that went a little below his waist and black cotton pants on, which resembled a towel. He was also wearing socks, but his slippers were nowhere to be seen. Pierre, on the other hand, was dressed differently. He still had his navy sweater on from earlier and only switched his jeans for a pair of sweatpants once they boarded the plane. He never packed sleeping gear, or pajamas, either. Clearly some people came more prepared than others. He wasn’t much of a pajama guy, so this was quite the sight for him. 

Alex noticed his gaze wandering from top to bottom, and rolled his eyes before diverting his attention back to the window. Through the corner of his eye, he could see Pierre grabbing two drinks from the bar, as well as some nuts before he joined Alex on the sofa. Pierre held a glass in Alex’s direction, which forced him to confront the brunette and he felt his chest tighten at the sight in front of him: apple juice. He thanked him and went back to looking outside. For some reason, the pitch black sky was the peak of his interest. He took a sip of his cold apple juice and sighed, completely lost in the moment. 

“Hey,” Pierre whispered, placing his hand on Alex’s leg to get some of his attention, “You alright?”

They were familiar words. They were the very first words they exchanged with one another. 

Alex felt a pair of eyes staring at him, and caught the bartender watching them intently from the corner of his eyes. _Looks like we’ve been recognized. Shit._

Alex slightly grimaced at Pierre’s touch and felt a stab at his heart when he noticed how the Frenchman took it, but he didn’t move his hand. He kept it firmly placed on his leg, as if that was where it belonged all along. Alex watched him - watched his features - and tried to understand what was going on between them. He wanted to ask, but he was afraid that he was getting the wrong messages from Pierre all along. He needed clarification but he wasn’t bold enough to take the risk. At least not yet. 

He took another sip of his apple juice while maintaining intense eye contact with Pierre. He was creating visible tension for no reason. He was frustrated and confused. He couldn’t wrap his mind around anything. He didn’t need this distraction, especially not coming up to a race weekend. Pierre moved his hand again, this time a little closer to Alex, and gently rubbed his thumb in circular motions around the curve of Alex’s knee. 

Alex couldn’t withstand it any longer and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, to much of his regret, “What is this?” 

Pierre didn’t seem annoyed by the question. He barely reacted to it; he simply continued what he was doing. Except now he couldn’t look at Alex and focused all his attention on his thumb. It took him a few minutes to muster a response, but it was nothing of value to Alex, “I don’t know.”

So they were on the same boat. Was that good or bad? Alex didn’t know. He looked away to notice that the bartender was still around, cleaning the glasses to perfection with a towel and looking at the two boys. Nerves engulfed his entire body, and Alex suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He felt like this was a sick joke, and there was a catch to it all. It was some cruel joke. He was just waiting for the cameras to come out and for someone to ridicule him over this for the rest of his life.

He snapped into it and moved away from Pierre, watching his hand fall from his knee to the portion of sofa that was between the pair. That seemed to strike a chord, and Pierre’s eyes finally met with his again; this time his irises had flashes of regret embedded in them. Alex felt a pang of pain in his chest because he didn’t want it to end this way, especially when he could never have the chance to explain himself. Pierre seemed to take the hint, and sat up straighter. It looked like he went back to his reserved self and was no longer the guy that he knew for the last four months. 

Alex bit the inside of his cheek and looked away, unable to watch the sight that unraveled before him. This was all his fault. 

_This wasn’t the time or place for this. Not when you had an audience before you. You should’ve known better. You should’ve used your words. You can’t let it end like this. You can’t let it end on a bad note and a misunderstanding._

After what felt like an eternity, Pierre stood up and looked down at Alex, “I’m going to sleep. Good luck this week.”

“Pierre, please…” Alex begged, his voice wavering. He was angry, and understandably so. He couldn’t blame him in this situation. God knows how Alex would’ve reacted if the roles were reversed. They had something good going on. It was a completely no strings attached relationship. They were friends, but not _really_ friends, who occasionally spent time around each other visiting different parts of the world. They played video games together and sometimes went jogging around the city. It was a hassle-free relationship. They never spoke about things that either one didn’t feel comfortable talking about. They spent most of their time together in silence, basking in each other’s presence. They had something really good going on, and Alex was beating himself up because he reacted in fear, “Don’t go.”

“You clearly don’t want me here,” Pierre spat out with venom laced in his tone. Had they been on the ground, Alex was certain that Pierre’s voice would’ve been loud. But given the air pressure in the cabin, he couldn’t hear much, and that hurt even more. 

“That’s not true! I-” Alex darted his eyes to meet the bartender’s, who seemed determined to look at them during this whole encounter. It enraged Alex even more. It baffled him how he wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it, “I just don’t understand.”

_Was that all you could come up with? You’re pathetic._

Pierre scoffed before turning around and leaving his glass at the bar table, barely turning around before he muttered “goodnight,” under his breath and disappeared behind the curtains. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh deer oh deer. what do we have right here?
> 
> this signals the end of my all-over-the-place writing style, because who would've known that a bit of practice could help you get into the groove of things again? not me. there was a huge time jump with this chapter, as it was set two-ish months after the last one, so bare that in mind. i've got the next three chapters prepared, so it's just a matter of time before i put those out. let me know what you think! maybe drop some predictions, or your favorite moment, or something. i'd love to hear from you guys :)


	3. everything has changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just in case people aren't familiar with the 2019 calendar: australia & bahrain (march), china and azerbaijan (april), spain and monaco (may), canada, france and austria (june), great britian and germany (july), hungary (august), belgium, italy, singapore and russia (september), japan and mexico (october), united states, brazil and abu dhabi (november). 
> 
> important note: this is fiction. THIS IS FICTION, and nothing more. thanks.

**[Alex - 9:00 am]:** Are you sure?

**[Alex - 9:00 am]:** This is important. 

**[Pyry - 9:00 am]:** I’m sure. 

**[Pyry - 9:00 am]:** I would know. I have to act as a personal alarm clock.

Alex gulped, and slowly knocked on the door twice. It was early. They arrived only a while back, so he knew he was awake. He was just hoping this would work. He had to at least try, otherwise it would eat him up alive and he wouldn’t concentrate on the weekend ahead. 

The door unlocked to a shirtless Pierre, with his disheveled hair being the highlight of his appearance. He couldn’t tell if he was asleep, or whether he was simply laying in bed ever since they arrived. He didn’t look particularly angry to see Alex here, but he didn’t look too pleased either. Alex felt deflated and choked out a statement before he could slam the door in his face, “I’m sorry. Please hear me out first.”

Pierre didn’t say anything, he simply opened the door wider to let the nervous man through. Once Alex was in, Pierre shut the door and stood still in his spot. He was shooting daggers at his eyes, daring him to say anything. He was challenging him not to be a coward this time around. His eyes said it all. But Alex froze under pressure and couldn’t find his words, so he leaned forward to engulf the Frenchman in his embrace instead.

Alex never noticed how much taller he was, but it warmed his heart how Pierre’s head fell directly underneath his chin. He hugged him tightly, hoping to prove and evoke his emotions in the right and proper way. He held onto him like his life depended on it. It took Pierre a few moments to react, but the smaller man wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist. They stood like that for a while, holed up in an embrace that meant more than any word could describe. Alex slowly moved his right hand up until it landed at the back of Pierre’s head, and gave it the softest rub. Pierre laughed against his chest, leaning away from him and placing his chin on Alex’s chest to watch him in amusement. Alex scoffed at the look he was sending him, while he brushed his hair away from his eyes, watching his blue eyes twinkle back at him.

“You’re shaking,” Pierre noted, eyes still firmly planted on his face.

Alex shrugged, and muttered a silent admission barely above a whisper, “I was- I  _ still _ am scared.”

“Of what?” It was a simple and warranted question, but it was something he didn’t have the answer to. He was scared and nervous about a lot of things. He didn’t know what was going on. He didn’t know whether he was reading the signals wrong. He didn’t know anything, but this embrace shed some light on the reality. Maybe it was reciprocated, in some shape or form. 

“You,” Pierre’s eyebrows shot up and Alex laughed. He brushed his fingers through his hair one last time before loosening his grip on him and slowly pulling away. Alex began moving further inside his room to find his bed neatly made, and tons of books sprawled around the table. So he wasn’t asleep. His hair was just an absolute mess.

Pierre followed suit, grabbing a random shirt from his suitcase and throwing it on. He watched Alex move towards his books and run his index finger over the edge of the table, quickly scanning the content of the books in front of him. Once Alex was done, he turned around to face Pierre while leaning against the table. His arms were crossed in front of his chest and his upper lip was held between his teeth.  _ He was thinking _ . 

“Why?” Pierre asked before sitting down on his bed.

“We never spoke about this before. We never acknowledged anything. I don’t understand what is going on or what will happen in the future. This seems so… sudden.”

“I don’t think it feels sudden.”

“It does,” Alex replied, sighing as he brushed invisible dust from his pants, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Pierre was being up front about it. There was nothing going on. There was never anything going on. 

“You wouldn’t have lost your head today if it was nothing,” Alex could see right through him. He could sense that the incident earlier might have pushed Pierre back into his shell and made him doubt everything. He was adamant to get everything on the table now, so that he wouldn’t sit around and constantly wonder. “The hand holding isn’t nothing. It’s innocent, it’s pure, but it was more than just nothing. Maybe to you it was nothing, but it definitely felt like something to me.”

“What do you want it to be? What did it feel like to you?” Pierre was playing the devil’s advocate, and Alex hated it. He hated knowing that he was put in a spot where he would have to unravel feelings and thoughts that clouded his mind for the last few months. He was a natural overthinker. He looked into every word and every gesture someone had done. It was just what he did, and he was afraid that it was exactly what he was doing all along with Pierre. He reflected on the text messages from last night and decided to take his own advice, and avoid dwindling on the what if’s. If something went wrong, then so be it. But he couldn’t let this eat at his head any longer, so he exhaled and began. 

“I don’t know what I want it to be. I don’t know what I was expecting it to be, but I never thought I would be in this position with you. I never thought I'd be in your hotel room in Montreal, potentially discussing my feelings. I’m just… I’m just confused. I’ve been confused for a while. I don’t know if you’re messing with me or if this is just how you act with everyone. I don’t understand it. But I think about it all the time. I think about that one day at the park. I think about the barbeque at Christian’s house. I think about the time we got drunk and you practically threw yourself at me, and I had to carry you to your apartment to make sure you didn’t get run over. I think about the time you tried teaching me to play chess, and you would always touch my finger as soon as I decided to move a piece just so you could convince me to make the wrong move that would let you win the game. I think about the time you bought ice cream and dropped it off at my house when my sister got her wisdom teeth removed. I think about the time you met Horsey and our entire herd of cats. I remember how you tried to stay away from them but they naturally gravitated towards you and you eventually caved in. I know how much you love them all. I’ve seen you take pictures of them when you’re at my house, even though you try to do it when I’m not looking. I think about all those cryptic messages we send each other. All those messages that have underlying meanings to them. They’re all laced with words we’re too afraid to say. I think about all the times I played Call of Duty with your friends, and how I never understood a single word they were saying since they all speak French, but I stayed there anyway because I wanted to spend time with you. At the airport, all I could think about was how nice it felt to hold your hand, and how nice it was to spend time with you. I enjoy being around you, Pierre. And maybe I fucked up today. Maybe I shouldn’t have reacted in that way, but I was scared. I still am scared. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’m setting myself up for heartbreak, and I already knew that a long time ago. But I’m still sharing all this for some reason.”

Pierre felt like all the air in the room disappeared, and that uncertain lump in his throat was lodged in such an uncomfortable position that he couldn’t say a word. He couldn’t make a sound. He felt like he was going to explode internally. He felt… relieved. 

He looked at Alex, who shifted his gaze back to his feet after he was done speaking. He was digging at the ground, and his arms were still crossed across his chest.  _ He’s scared.  _ Pierre walked over and stood in between his sprawled legs, lodging himself in the small space. Alex didn’t look up.  _ He’s frightened. _ He grabbed Alex’s face in his hands and caused the Thai to look at him with nothing but fear plastered on his face, “Alex…”

“I understand,” Alex interjected, turning his face away again, “I just had to get this off my chest. I took my own advice for once, and I tried. I completely understand if you don’t want to be around me anymore. I know it gets weird when stuff like this happens. I will respect your decision. I promise I’ll stay civil during briefs, press conferences and all that jazz-”

“Alex.”

“We have a long weekend ahead of us. Pyry told me you’re going to run in an hour after having breakfast to avoid the temptation of sleeping. I’ll… I’m not sure what Patrick has planned for us yet. I think we’re doing gym work today, and probably some sightseeing tomorrow before we go off for the Red Bull event,” Alex rambled, something he often does when he’s nervous and out of check with his emotions. He uncrossed his arms and pulled Pierre’s hands away from his face, slowly straightening himself up again and towering over him. He shoved his hands in his pockets and let out a nervous breath, before dropping him a soft smile, “I hope everything works out with that girl. Tell her she’s a lucky bastard, will you?”

Alex shuffled from his spot and slowly began walking towards the door, “Alex!” Pierre called out sternly. 

“See ya later, alligator!” Alex shouted from across the room, unlocking the door.  _ Was he going to blow his shot? _ Pierre raced to the door and slammed it shut right as Alex had it ajar. Alex looked back in shock, his eyebrows nearly reaching his hairline, “Woah. Relax there cowboy. Those are my precious hands.”

“There is no girl,” Pierre confessed.

“Hm?” Alex questioned, pulling something out of his pocket in the process. Most probably his room card or his phone. Pierre sucked in all the oxygen his lungs could take and let it out, calming himself down before it was too late. Alex diverted his attention back to him with a puzzled look, and that’s when a switch flicked in Pierre. 

He slowly covered the short distance between them and gently wrapped his hands around Alex’s neck, tugging him down ever so slightly. The Thai-Brit complied, watching him with uncertain eyes the entire time. They kept approaching one another until their noses were touching. Pierre looked up one last time for Alex’s approval and found the younger man with his eyes closed, completely in the moment and that encouraged Pierre to do what he was thinking about all week. It was nothing but a peck at first. It was innocent and gentle. It was like they were both scared of something, and it was getting in the way of this moment. Alex pulled away first and studied Pierre, as he always did. He couldn’t understand it, but for once he wasn’t interested enough to even try. Alex placed his left hand at the small of his back, and brought Pierre closer, officially tired of feeling his breath on his cheeks and the gap between them. He kissed him the same way he imagined he always would. He tried to be delicate and slow. He tried to pour all his emotions into it. He tried to prove to him that he didn’t want this to be a one off.  _ He wanted this. _ Alex’s right hand caressed Pierre’s cheek, as Pierre’s left fingers were running through Alex’s hair. It was the softest and most careful kiss he ever had. 

Pierre pulled away after what felt like a matter of seconds, gasping for air. Alex sighed in content and leaned his forehead against Pierre, feeling a rush of emotions flow through him in various directions. His heart was racing and his head was spinning. It felt like an adrenaline rush. It felt so good. When Pierre opened his eyes, he let out a soft laugh and cupped Alex’s neck in his small palms. He played with the soft straight black hair at the back of his head, and leaned his head to the side, watching him intently, “there is no girl,” Pierre whispered one last time, before Alex stepped away and left the room with a spring in his step.

* * *

Jet lag was a bitch. No one liked jet lag, especially not Pierre, which was why he was on the edge of the pool with his legs dipped in the water. It took a lot of convincing for the hotel staff to let them enter the private facility at midnight, especially when they typically shut everything down at 8pm. But being a Formula One driver had its perks. Having a persuasive and charming coach helped too, because he somehow lied his way into convincing the staff that he needed this for treatment purposes. Since the Red Bull team came here every year since the first race was hosted in Canada, they begrudgingly obliged to his demands and let them in. 

Pyry threw the keys to Pierre and went back upstairs, desperate for some sleep after today’s long day. Pierre marveled at the quiet space. He was never an indoor pool type of person. He always associated them with horror movies, but it was a pleasant surprise. 

He heard the door open quietly and found Alex entering sneakily, with a towel on his shoulder and a scrunched nose. He walked towards Pierre with a smile, and swatted his towel at his face, “How the hell have you managed this?”

“I’m big time,” Pierre huffed his chest, taking all of Pyry’s hard work and crediting himself for it. Alex shook his head at him and dropped his bag on the beach chairs scattered around the pool, before turning to look at Pierre with a shy expression, “What’s wrong?”

“I wish you told me about your master plan a bit earlier,” Alex replied, using his fingers to dictate the tiny amount of extra time he wanted, “I would’ve been more adequately prepared.”

“For swimming?!” Pierre chuckled in his spot. Leave it to Alex to be melodramatic about everything. 

“Yes! I don’t have swim shorts! You… You do!” Alex pointed at him in exasperation. 

“You could’ve told me you needed a pair. I have a spare one in my room.”

“Geez, thanks,” Alex undressed himself, starting with his white shirt before turning back to meet Pierre’s gaze with a mocking look, “You’re too nice.” 

Pierre couldn’t help but stare at the sight in front of him. For a lanky guy, Alex didn’t appear to have any muscles given how frail his arms were, but he had a toned body. He rarely ever wore clothes that would be classified as revealing. He occasionally had shorts on, but that was where he drew the line. It was a pleasant surprise. Alex pulled down his pants to reveal his plaid boxers, which Pierre smiled at.  _ Ah, so that’s why he was complaining. He didn’t want to embarrass himself.  _

Once Alex was prepared, he slowly sat beside Pierre, flinching at how cold the water was before dipping the majority of his legs underwater. Pierre could see him visibly tremble, and it was the cutest sight to behold. Alex rubbed his hands against his arms, trying to create some warmth that he craved. To be fair to him, the water wasn’t heated at all, and the room was relatively cool, which added to his misery. 

Once Alex’s body got accustomed to the cold, he turned to Pierre and grinned, “I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this before, but I like that.”

“What?” 

“Your hair,” Alex responded. His fingers automatically darted to the front of Pierre’s forehead, and he gently combed a few stray hairs away from his face, “the frosted blonde tips are cute.”

“You didn’t like me as a brunette?” Pierre asked, trying to evoke a reaction out of Alex, and he did just that. Alex rolled his eyes at him and jumped in the water before placing his wet arms on Pierre’s thighs. Pierre winced, and in a flash, he was being pulled in the freezing water. While he was submerged underwater, all he could hear was Alex’s laugh echo around the quiet room. Pierre resurfaced and gasped, shaking his head like a dog to get his hair away from his eyes. He quickly rubbed his eyes before letting out a curse, “Fuck you.”

Alex lowered himself down, the water now reaching his chin, as he surveyed Pierre intently. His eyes were playful… mysterious, but most importantly mischievous. When Alex noticed that Pierre wasn’t particularly happy with his antics, he cooed and pulled him towards him with a softer expression on his face. He ran his fingers through the brunette’s hair, pushing every strand away from his face before cupping his cheeks in his hands. Alex leaned towards Pierre and plastered the softest kiss on his lips before pulling away, moving his thumb counterclockwise against his cheek. It was definitely an apologetic kiss. 

He leaned in one more time, but this one wasn’t as soft as the previous one. This one was more demanding and more rough. Their mouths moved in synchronized motions, slowly getting to grips with one another and knowing what to do when. They were taking things awfully slow. They were both in no rush to go to second base. They were slowly progressing and learning more about one another. It made this entire decision reek less of desperation and more of fondness. 

Alex drew back, and moved his lips to Pierre’s cheeks, planting soft kisses incrementally within that vicinity. Pierre sighed in content, placing his hands on Alex’s waist, “You’re getting brave.”

“Am I?” Alex asked before moving downwards, with his full attention diverted to Pierre’s neck now. He was so gentle with his kisses that Pierre knew they wouldn’t leave any markings, so he didn’t intervene with what Alex was doing. Instead, he allowed him to explore and marvel at his neck while he closed his eyes and occasionally felt the water slap his stomach due to some movement from the pair. “Enjoying it?”

It was a silly question to ask, but there was a hint of uncertainty attached to his tone. “Very much,” he enunciated every single letter, trying to show him that he wouldn’t rather be anywhere else right now. After a few seconds, Alex stopped and shifted closer to his lips, softly pecking them before submerging underwater. Pierre didn’t think much of it, but was caught by surprise when he felt Alex’s head between his legs and a sudden movement that jerked him in the air. 

“Alex!” Pierre shrieked. The last thing he expected was to be placed on Alex’s unstable shoulders above the water, as the Thai driver laughed and wobbled, “Put me down!”

“You’re scared of heights?”

“No! No, no, I just- Put me down!” Pierre shrieked again, this time because Alex suddenly darted to the left which caused Pierre to lose the tiny shred of balance he had. He grabbed hold of his head and held on to it for dear life. 

“Relax, I’m holding you,” He retorted. You could hear the smile in his voice… this cheeky bastard. Alex found it slightly bemusing how petrified he was. It was adorable. It was a side of him he didn’t expect to ever see, but was grateful that the opportunity presented itself and he took it with both hands. Alex squeezed Pierre’s thighs, which now served as a choke hold against his neck, and slightly looked up to see a frightened 24-year-old man on his shoulders. 

Alex slowly lowered himself back down underwater, so that he wasn’t completely submerged but enough to let Pierre get off his shoulders. When he made no move to jump off, Alex simply let go of his thighs and pushed his legs upward, sending the French man flying backwards and hitting the water with a bang, sending splashes of water everywhere. 

Pierre pulled himself back out for the second time in ten minutes and wiped his face before slapping water towards Alex’s direction. It ended in an onslaught of water fights, and he never expected to enjoy being in a pool at midnight with someone he liked as much as he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaahhhhhhhhhhh oh yes boys!!!! i'm too impatient for slowburn so y'all are lucky. popping champagne bottles right now. join me virtually. thoughts and comments are welcome and appreciated. don't be shy to drop any :)


	4. entangled arms and shared feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just in case people aren't familiar with the 2019 calendar: australia & bahrain (march), china and azerbaijan (april), spain and monaco (may), canada, france and austria (june), great britian and germany (july), hungary (august), belgium, italy, singapore and russia (september), japan and mexico (october), united states, brazil and abu dhabi (november).
> 
> note: this is fiction. this is in no way, shape or form a depiction of their relationship in real life.

It was a breezy afternoon in Montreal. Spring had just begun, and the entire place was covered with greenery. The trees rustled as they walked around the area with the wind blowing kisses to his soft cheeks. 

Today’s schedule involved filming a _‘fun video’_ for Red Bull and Toro Rosso, or so they claimed. 

They were going to attempt to do some typical Canadian activities, such as wood chopping, axe throwing and all that. According to the instructor, they were called logging sports. It was a term none of them ever came across but were willing to give it a shot.

Dany, Max, Pierre and Alex were dressed for the occasion too. Everyone had a pair of boots on and were either wearing a blue or a red plaid buttoned shirt. Team Red Bull, Max and Pierre, were in blue, while Dany and Alex were in red, representing team Toro Rosso. For a good hour and a half, they were getting to grips with how everything worked. They received some basic tips and ground rules before the competition started between the two teams. Dany and Alex excelled at wood chopping, while Max was scarily good at axe throwing. Everyone made a note to step away from him every time he angled the axe at the target yet he consistently hit the bullseye. “It’s an acquired talent,” Max arrogantly said. 

Once they wrapped the filming session, everyone went away to relax so the teams could get their chance to enjoy the games while they were there. Dany stuck around with the team, mocking and surveying what they were doing. He was getting a kick out of them, and found it a lot more enjoyable when he was on the other end of the spectrum. Watching people flop endlessly was extremely entertaining, especially when it wasn’t you embarrassing yourself. Max ran off to the other side of the area, desperate for some alone time so he could do… whatever he did. 

That left Alex and Pierre, who sat on a log as they nibbled on a few snacks. Alex audibly enjoyed his ham sandwich, letting out sounds of pleasure every now and then. Pierre alternated between his protein bar and an egg salad that someone left around. 

They were practically on their own here. If it wasn’t for the shouts and screams every few seconds, one would have thought they came here by themselves. 

“So I was thinking,” Pierre began, licking his fingers. He turned to face Alex, his knee now on top of Alex’s crotch. The log was extremely small and barely fit two people, let alone two large men, but none were bothered by the lack of space. In fact, it served as a perfect excuse for why they were practically sitting on each other's laps. “How about we go out after Friday’s practice session?”

“Haven’t you gotten tired of me?” Alex joked, munching on the last few bites of his sandwich before dusting his hands, “What do you have in mind?”

“I’m not telling you that. It would ruin the surprise.”

“Nope,” Alex shook his head, simpering. “I’m not having any of that. I’d like to be well prepared this time around.”

It was their third day in Montreal, but it felt like they were here for much longer. A lot of that had to do with how quickly things escalated. Interestingly enough, it still felt like they were going very slowly, and they were. Not much has changed since the confession. They still went on with their days, spending the majority of their time with their performance coaches (or as some would like to call them ‘personal therapists’). They occasionally texted, but most of it happened at night. Their FaceTime calls were the highlight of their day.

“You don’t need to be prepared,” Pierre commented, “Just… don’t forget your key card.” 

“I’m going to kill Patrick,” Alex moaned, covering his face in shame. It was an ongoing joke between the Thai and his performance coach, Patrick. Alex made it a habit of misplacing his keys somewhere, and he’d end up at the reception at least twice a week requesting for a new one. Patrick constantly ridiculed him about it, adding that if it was possible for Alex to forget himself somewhere, he definitely would. 

Looks like Patrick ratted him out after losing last week’s bet. 

The turkeys endlessly chattering in the background had occupied his attention to the extent that he failed to notice Pierre’s hands swarming his legs. The Frenchman’s hands wandered higher until they gripped Alex’s collar with venom. Alex was a fraction of a second away from doing the same before they heard Max call out for them, “Hey there, love birds! Couldn’t find another seat?"

“Nope,” Pierre responded nonchalantly, moving his hands away from Alex and dropping them on his lap instead. Alex noted the change in demeanor and immediately felt the tension rise in the air. He knew Pierre and Max didn’t get along, even though Pierre never confirmed or denied that statement. They were constantly butting heads, but Pierre knew his place in the team and had to pull things down a notch at times and let Max have it his way. It clearly irked him, but he did what had to be done. It was a sacrifice he was willing to make if it meant he could keep everybody involved happy. “Not too interested in sitting on wet mud.”

“Surely you’d be more comfortable there, no?” Max retorted, only a few meters away from the pair now. Alex didn’t mind Max too much, but he didn’t spend nearly as much time with him as Pierre did. They messed around and typically had a good time together, but the aura was so inexplicably different that he could barely imagine what the times were like before. 

“I’ll have you know that my thighs are like a pair of cushions. They’re soft, not too boney, and provide great comfort to anyone’s bosom, if they decided to sit on my lap. I’ve only heard positive reviews so far,” Alex was trying his best to lighten the mood, but the other two were hell bent on scowling at one another. “Want to give it a shot? You can drop a review on my Yelp! page.”

“No thanks, I’ll pass. I’m not into that sort of thing.”

“What? Sitting on people’s laps? You’re a bit boring, mate.” Alex was treading dangerous territory, and he knew it the second Pierre looked away from Max and met his eyes. 

“Boring? Maybe… but at least I’m not gay,” Max spat out, so much hatred and jealousy laced with his words. 

Alex’s head was hot. His body was sizzling. He wanted to do nothing but get up and repeatedly throw punches at Max’s arrogant face. He was so angry that he couldn’t hear anything anymore; not the soothing sound of the trees whooshing, not the loud laughter or the turkeys speaking in the background. He was seething. 

Max wanted a reaction from them both, but Pierre was immune to his antics. Pierre sat in his spot and scoffed, completely unfazed by his inappropriate statement. He simply hummed and stood up, dusting off his shirt and looking at Max straight in the eyes. “Feel bad for your girlfriend, if I’m being honest. Do you guys maintain a 4 meter distance when you’re together?”

Alex understood now. This was definitely the game he played, and he wasn’t going to let himself be a pawn to it. Any reaction from them would incentive Max to push this card even further, and maybe use it against them in the future. There was no concrete proof that they were anything but friends after all. There was no harm in sitting close to someone, but rumors like that could ruin careers especially when placed under homophobic owners or sponsors. Politics played a huge role in their sport, and sadly your sexuality was considered political to most, just as human rights is. It was dumb. It was a backward and ancient ideology, and they were making strides to change, but they were still a long way off. Toxic masculinity was the breed of this sport. 

“Has she never sat on your lap?” Alex chimed, a laugh erupting out of him. Max seemed confused; it was as though he was expecting them to get hostile. Instead, they were calm and were mocking him in return. “Because surely if she did, that would be considered gay. I’m only going off of your logic, Max.”

Alex stood up and walked away from the disgruntled and fazed Dutch boy, with Pierre following suit. The moment was forgotten as soon as it occurred, and they strolled to the rest of the pack. They found Dany standing on top of a wooden table, awfully singing along to a song with the rest of the team. His eyes lit up the second he saw the pair, and he flailed his arms in their direction, signaling that they came his way. 

Pierre snickered, waving back at Dany in acknowledgement. “I’ll see you on Friday at 7. Be ready or square, or whatever the saying is.” 

Once they arrived at the table, they departed and sat on opposite ends, like they were mere acquaintances and nothing happened a few minutes ago.

* * *

At 6:55pm, Alex was waiting in the lobby. He was nervous, mostly because he wasn’t one to go into things blindly. He liked knowing everything ahead of time. It eased his concerns, and also helped him formulate some sort of contingency plan in case anything went wrong. It was just how his brain was wired, so this… this was completely out of his comfort zone. 

He decided to trust Pierre’s word and wore a casual outfit. Nothing too special. He had a plain navy sweater on and black jeans. He enjoyed the boots from earlier today, but his feet were screaming at him to wear something more comfortable, so he opted for a pair of white Air Force 1’s. Like he said, nothing too special. 

He adjusted the Tag Heuer watch on his wrist before frantically checking his pockets, making sure he had his wallet and phone on him. It would be typical Alex behavior to forget everything and leave, like the muppet he was. 

At 6:58pm, Alex caught Pierre leaving the elevator, quickly shaking hands with someone before waving them off. When Pierre finally caught Alex in a sea of people, he stuck his tongue out and held a peace sign up, earning a laugh from him. He was a silly boy.

(But he liked this silly boy). 

Pierre looked equally as casual as Alex, which alleviated some of his concerns since he was never told what the appropriate dress code would be for the occasion. He wore a white short sleeved Nirvana shirt and dark blue ripped jeans. He could easily pass for an e-boy if he had dangling chains attached to his jeans. “I already know what you’re thinking.”

“Hello E-boy of the year,” Alex derided, a slight twinge of mockery attached to his voice. He didn’t know how to greet him, so he stuck his fist out. Pierre crooked his head to the side in confusion, but played along, giving him the fist bump he craved. “Sorry. I’m overthinking things again.”

“Maybe we should come up with one of those tacky handshakes so you don’t have to worry about this next time,” Pierre said as he ushered them to the front door. “It would get the whole paddock talking. Next thing you know, we’re on Sky and they’re analyzing every movement. We might end up on some Youtube compilation.”

“Looks like a well thought out plan. How long have you been fantasizing about this?”

“A while,” Pierre paused, “but not as long as I’ve been fantasizing about you.”

That earned a loud groan from Alex, which brought Pierre into a fit of laughter. _What a joker_.

For an ultimate tourist experience, according to Pierre, taking the bus to their destination was the only option. They did have cars provided to them from the team, but Pierre shook his head at the idea, stating that the large logos would attract too much unnecessary attention. After all, this was their chance to get away from that world and to be just like everyone else for a few hours. Honestly speaking, that wasn’t too hard of a feat in the Americas, especially when you weren’t clad with team merch from top to bottom. The situation wasn’t too bad in other continents either, but the chances of being recognized were a bit higher. It wasn’t too much of a deal for Alex just yet since he was fairly new to the scene, but when it did happen it was a slightly bizarre feeling. It’s quite the humbling experience, and it is a constant reminder of how far he came. It was nice.

After 15 minutes, they finally got off the bus. To his surprise, it didn’t appear to be somewhere too crowded. It was near a body of water and Alex could see the tip of a Ferris wheel as they roamed around the area. The buildings had a medieval design to it, with long towers surrounding the area. The streets were quite small too. It felt like a town you would see in movies. 

The area was adorned with fairy lights, the light shimmering and shining around the place. It was spectacular. They walked around the small town, appreciating the presence of each other and occasionally pointing small things out. 

Pierre excused himself, making an awful racing reference, “Quick pitstop, give me a second.” 

Alex decided to wait outside, his hands deep in his pockets as he watched the floor. He was a bit nervous for tomorrow’s quali session. He was a bit all over the place during the practice sessions, and his mind wandered back to the data he got after they all sat down and analyzed it. He had a lot of work to do, but he wasn’t too fussed with that. He was more concerned with how long it would take him to get to grips with everything. He couldn’t afford to take his time, even though his team were behind him and reassured him every step along the way that this was a learning curve. It didn’t happen overnight, and probably never will no matter how much he tries. It’s the unpredictability of the sport; he loved it, but feared it. 

“You’re letting your mind get the best of you, huh?” Pierre mumbled, standing right next to him with a few plastic bags in hand. “Let me tell you how tomorrow will play out. You’ll go out there and try your absolute best. Your team will be proud of you and will constantly tell you how well you did, and you will finally start to recognize how good you are. Because that’s what you are… you’re so fucking good.”

“Yeah,” Alex whispered. He didn’t agree with what he said, but he knew now wasn’t the right time to pick a fight with him. 

Pierre noticed his sad eyes and was willing to abandon the whole trip he had in mind simply so he could sit around and convince him otherwise, but he decided against it. Taking his mind off of things was the best alternative. 

He subtly brushed his fingers against Alex’s, catching the Thai’s attention before he nodded his head in the direction of their path. 

In that exact moment, he was incredibly tempted to intertwine his fingers with Alex’s and walk together hand in hand, but he couldn’t. He had to let Alex make the first move there. He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable in public and he didn’t want anything to float around in case they got recognized. It was tough. He wanted nothing more than to have the freedom to do what he pleased, but there were these strong barriers along the way, and if Alex wasn’t ready to help him break them down then he was ready to remain behind them. 

It had only been a few days and besides confessing that they did like each other, they didn’t talk much about anything else concerning that. They didn’t talk about feelings or thoughts. Even their kisses and touches were on the low, both very safe and very innocent. It was very similar to the first major crush you have as a child with so much uncertainty floating around in the air. Except, they were 24 year old men with tons of experience with relationships. This was just different. 

Pierre stopped right in front of the church, which was the landmark of the city. Its beautiful blend of colors were even more mesmerizing in person, and the night sky gave it justice. It glowed in the dark and felt like such a welcoming place, arms extended trying to invite any lost soul inside.

Alex had his phone in his hand, doing a full 360 as he captured the moment ahead of him. Pierre did his best to stay out of shot, just because. When Alex stopped filming, he turned to him with mischievous eyes, a hint of a smile playing on his lips again. Pierre quickly shuffled through his plastic bags and pulled out a Polaroid camera, pointing it in Alex’s direction. 

Alex was rooted in his spot, confusion encompassing his body. Pierre chuckled, directing Alex back in shot, “I want to take a picture”. Alex shifted to the left and held a peace sign with his head mostly titled back, and it was the most adorable sight in the world. 

Pierre shook the picture, waiting for the image to appear and swatting Alex’s hand away, making him aware that this picture was his and his to keep. It didn’t end there. Once they reached the Notre Dame de Bon Secours chapel, Pierre forced Alex to stand in front of it. The blue lights of the chapel gave it some character, and it was symbolic in a way. Those lights found their way into the tiniest nooks and crannies of the chapel’s outer walls, illuminating it. The Ferris wheel was not too far either; it was hidden to the right of it. There was so much blue everywhere, starting from the land of sea in the background to the skies at the top, despite it being a darker blue as a result of nightfall. 

It was one hell of a shot, and Pierre was too busy marveling at the sight before him that he forgot he hadn’t snapped the picture yet until he heard Alex’s whine in the distance. 

After a few silly shots and wasted Polaroids, they found their way to the water. Both of them sat on the edge of a stonewall wall by the water, feet dangling from a precariously high and dangerous position. It was quite hilarious how they never went to restaurants when they were together. They always resorted to makeshift snacks, like small sandwiches or anything portable. This time however, Pierre went out of his way and got them sushi from one of the most raved restaurants. Alex was pleasantly surprised, recalling their conversation late last night when he mentioned how much he craved sushi. It warmed his heart that he noted that down, and made sure to buy some for him. 

The weather was pleasant for a day in June. The wind helped, a lot. Despite it being evening, the city felt alive and awake. It was a difficult feeling to describe, but the energy in the area was palpable. If it was possible to touch the air and feel something in return, that feeling would be warm and would immensely calm someone down. It was reassuring in a way. Alex wasn’t sure if Pierre felt it too or whether he was clutching at straws again, trying to find something to cheer him up or distract him from the chaos in his mind. 

Alex loved meditating. It was something he was ridiculed for when he was racing in the lower categories, but it helped him relax and stay grounded. It was another way of coming to your senses and restarting. The best analogy he could ever provide someone when asked what meditation felt like was comparing it to restarting a computer. It really was a way to stop for a minute, and start all over again. Sometimes he wished he could do that in real life. Switch off and start over again. Fix any discrepancies in the system. Maybe do it all again.

He watched the reflection of the lights against the still water and felt the breeze hit his bare arms, causing a shiver to take over his entire body. Pierre was watching him from the corner of his eye while munching on his salad, but seemed reluctant to make a move. They were like that around each other too much; always too hesitant. Always wary of _something_. 

“You know,” Pierre began, swallowing what was on his fork before proceeding with his speech, “I’ve thought about this for a while, and I’m not exaggerating when I say _a while_ , because I really have been thinking about this for so long.” Here we go again. Alex chuckled under his breath, prepared for one of Pierre’s outlandish statements. “I don’t understand why dog people hate cats so much. Is there something in them that just automatically makes them hate cats? You rarely see a dog owner, who has never had a cat before, actually like a cat. It’s weird, right? How and why would you hate them if you never took care of one? I think it’s because of the negative image they get in the media. I’m sure of it.”

“Negative image?” Alex giggled, his eyebrows shooting up to meet the top of his forehead. “What, do you think a cat went out and had a bad media day, and that’s why dog owners hate them?”

“No. Stop that. You’re making my claim sound dumb when it is reasonable. I won’t let you do that,” Pierre stuck his fork in front of Alex, attempting to look as threatening as possible. Truth be told, Alex didn’t think it was remotely possible for Pierre to pull it off. His delicate features would always get in the way of that. “Honestly though, there must be some sort of scientific evidence that proves my theory. I’ll actually go look for it so you can stop looking at me like that.”

“Surely if you find scientific evidence proving that claim then it isn’t your theory anymore, isn’t it? It’s someone else’s.” Alex retorted, knowing exactly how to ruffle Pierre’s feathers. 

Pierre huffed and shook his head, clearly defeated. Even his fork dropped down and he went back to stabbing his tomatoes. Mission accomplished. After a few seconds, he turned back and was about to start complaining again before he paused, “Your turn then. Give me a controversial opinion.”

“Wait, how was that opinion controversial?” Alex exclaimed, nearly falling off the tiny ledge and on his back as a result of his abrupt movement. 

“Shut up. It’s your turn to make a claim. Popular, unpopular, controversial, uncontroversial… I don’t care. It’s your turn.” 

Alex took a few minutes contemplating what to share. He could have opted for the pineapple on pizza take, but thought against it. He wanted to bring something insightful to the table, but his mind was completely blank. He didn’t know who to blame for this. Maybe he was just only coming to the realization of how much of a clouded mess his mind always was, especially when he was asked to offer a simple statement that required showcasing an ounce of his personality.

“Being alone is really nice. Everyone has given the word loner such a negative connotation, and it’s a bit surprising given how refreshing it is. It is also incredibly damaging, in a way, because once you fall down that rabbit hole, it is incredibly hard to come out of it. But I enjoy it. Being around people, and pretending to be someone you’re not, is so exhausting. It takes a toll on you and your mental health. Sometimes I sit back and wonder who I am. Am I actually that person everyone knows me as? Or have I convinced myself that that’s who I am? Do I genuinely enjoy that or do I just enjoy it because everyone else does and I want to impress them? I don’t know… being alone opens your eyes to those things, but at the same time.... I don’t know. It’s a trap.”

He didn’t want to make it dark. He never did. He didn’t even notice how incriminating his words were until he noticed Pierre’s eyes on him. The pool of ocean blue eyes darted all around his face, looking for some sort of sign that everything was alright. And for the most part, everything was. He had nothing to be upset about. His parents were doing fine, his family were in a good place and were healthy. He had a job, to much of his surprise, and he bloody loved what he did. He had good friends; friends who cared about him and reached out to him all the time. He was financially stable. Everything was going right for once, but it was always the element of uncertainty that loomed over his mind. Truth be told, he knew exactly what he was getting himself into from the get go. Even when things were incredibly tough and he was obliged to go to Thailand to look for sponsors, he knew that this is exactly what he wanted. He knew it could all come and go in a flash, just like the speed of his car. Yet he still threw himself in that industry and did all this. It was his dream. He was living his dream. But for how long? No one knew. Maybe he thought about it more often nowadays because just this time last year, he had no plans for the future, and things changed in a matter of days for him. It was a shock to the system, and maybe he was only coming to realization with what happened. 

Alex’s hands were trembling, not because it was cold or because he was nervous, but because he was feeling antsy under Pierre’s eyes. He felt vulnerable and he didn’t know what to do about it. They were friends, yes, but they were also coworkers. He was struggling to know when to draw the limit on what you should and should not say to someone you’ve only properly known for a couple of months. It was weird because he wanted to tell him so much, but he just couldn’t solely because of their professional situation.

Alex scooted a little closer and draped his arm around Pierre’s shoulder, giving it a little squeeze before turning back at the water. Pierre seemingly took the hint, putting his salad bowl aside and moving his arm around Alex’s hips. Pierre rubbed his nose on Alex’s shoulder before leaning his head there, tightening his hold on Alex. Alex sighed in response, feeling his chest tighten for no particular reason. 

They didn’t move for a few minutes, simply admiring how quiet and peaceful it was in that specific moment in time, until Pierre moved his head away from Alex’s shoulder and came even closer, their thighs plastered against one another. His movements were slow and tentative, like they almost always were. It all boiled down to how hesitant they were about every movement, and there was an element of purity to it, although it was infuriating at times. 

Pierre placed a long kiss close to Alex’s ear before pulling away and watching his eyes. Alex couldn’t find it in himself to maintain eye contact so he kept staring straight ahead, afraid that Pierre might uncover everything by simply looking in his eyes. Pierre, clearly unhappy with his response, leaned forward and kissed Alex once again, this time on his cheek. He whispered the sweetest words against his cheeks, like it was a secret between the two of them. “You don’t have to pretend to be someone else around me. I like you for who you are, both on and off track. You’re not alone. You never will be as long as I’m around, and I’ll make sure to remind you of that every single moment we’re together.”

Alex felt his heart clench again and a sudden lump in his throat appeared out of nowhere. Pierre’s hand reached up to his face, rubbing his thumb across his right cheek while he applied delicate kisses to his left cheek every now and then. Alex’s arm was still slung around his shoulder, unaware of what to do with it. He was paralyzed in his spot. 

Pierre completely pulled away now, his right hand no longer wrapped around Alex’s waist. He was deep in thought, but Alex didn’t want to open that can of worms just yet. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear what had to be said, even though he had no clue what would come out of the Frenchman's mouth. His eyes were drilling holes into his face though, and he caved in to the pressure, finally diverted his attention back to those big blue puppy dog eyes. 

It wasn’t sadness that he saw in them, but a hint of forgiveness and encouragement. Maybe an element of surprise too. Pierre sighed and held Alex’s face between his cold hands, quickly searching his face for any sign of discomfort. When he saw none, he planted a delicate yet reassuring kiss on his lips with absolutely no care in the world of where they currently were. 

Alex’s hand dropped to his hips, and he slowly let out all the pent up frustration and mustered it all into this kiss. He was aware that they were out in public, but for once, he wasn’t too worried about what other people would think and did what made him feel best. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas!! hope you all have a nice holiday with your loved ones <33


End file.
